We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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