I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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