I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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