Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize