If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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