If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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