Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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