Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
