It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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