i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
