it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
