I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
