So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
