All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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