Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
