I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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