today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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