I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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