Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
