So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Randomize
