I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
