Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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