The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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