dude i'm inner monologue high
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
