So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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