My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
