i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
