there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
