I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
