we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
