If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
