I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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