Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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