my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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