I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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