Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
