i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Liz is crying about burritos again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
