the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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