If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
