I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
