Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
