I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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