Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
is it fun? or sober?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
