another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
