Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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