I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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