but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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