Christians are straight up FREAKS
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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