just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
