Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
