He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
