My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize