guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
