So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
