i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize