if you like me you must not know who I am
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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