its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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