Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
