I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
